


Project Good Vibrations (or, Some Solid Dick from an Iron Man)

by susanowa (panickyintheuk)



Series: Misc bingo fills [4]
Category: Avengers Assemble (Cartoon)
Genre: M/M, Pre-Slash, Sex Toys, Vibrators
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-01
Updated: 2017-03-01
Packaged: 2018-09-27 15:23:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,598
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10027982
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/panickyintheuk/pseuds/susanowa
Summary: "I mean, why does anyone do anything?" Tony posited, tone bordering on hysteria."Good question," said Clint, brandishing one of the red-and-gold vibrators. "For instance, why did you just wander into the living room holding a box of unexplained sex toys you refuse to talk about?"





	

**Author's Note:**

> \- For square N4 on my bingo card, 'kink: sex toys'.  
> \- Did you know that 'solid dick' thing turned out to be made up? I was very disappointed. Couldn't pass it over as a title though.  
> \- I guess this is set during season 1 of AA? To be 100% honest I have only seen a few eps of AA. I'm working on it. I hope this vaguely works. Please handwave anything that doesn't work.  
> \- Please lower your expectations and see end notes for why I suck

Tony was on his cell phone when Steve came into the kitchen with the bag of pastries he'd bought on the way back from his run. Tony waved at him and pointed apologetically at the phone. "But we agreed, right? I don't want my name on it... yes, obviously —" he rolled his eyes "— I don't mean _that_ , I just don't want design credit. And you can donate my fee to... Steve, name a charity." Steve opened his mouth, and Tony cut him off. "Actually, scratch that, you always say veterans — I mean, that's great, don't get me wrong, but it's good to spread the wealth. Donate it to... hang on." He tapped at his tablet for a few seconds. "The Sex Workers Project. Vet them first, but they seem legit." He moved the phone away from his ear for a second to make an offended face at it. "No, it's not a joke! Wow. Just do it." He hung up abruptly. "Sorry about that."

"Uh, it's fine. What was that about?"

"Don't worry about it," said Tony. "You get those apple things?" He made grabby hands at the bag, and Steve tossed it to him.

"Of course."

"You're my favorite," Tony said around a pastry, which he had shoved between his teeth for safekeeping while he gathered up his phone and tablet. He then wandered out into the main living area. Steve watched him go.

"Um, are you busy?" he called.

Tony's head popped back into view around the doorframe. "Uh-uh," he said, swallowing a mouthful. "No more so than usual. What do you need?"

"I don't need anything," said Steve, scratching the back of his neck. “I just thought maybe we could hang out?”

“Oh, sure!” said Tony. “No, wait, rain check? Sorry, I just remembered I have a teleconference call with Stark-Fujikawa in an hour, and I need to go over some figures first.”

“Right,” said Steve. “Well, just… let me know.”

“Course, Cap,” said Tony vaguely, already engrossed in his tablet again.

~

A week and some later, Tony walked into the dining room with a box in his arms and a mildly harried expression.

"Oh good, you're all here," he said. It wasn't quite true — Thor and Hulk were putting the new gym equipment through its paces, so it was just Team Human right now, but those two usually ate lunch separately anyway because otherwise all the food was gone before anyone else had a chance to serve themselves.

"Those of us who observe regular mealtimes like to eat lunch together. You know, as a team?" Natasha said.

"Go suck a lemon," Tony said good-naturedly. "Ask me what's in the box."

"What's in the box, Tony?" asked Steve obediently.

"Don't ask! Look, I got sent these for approval. I don't know why they sent me this many, but I am just going to leave the box here and anybody who wants one can take it. And then tonight I'm going to take the box away, and I am not going to count how many have gone, and I am not going to ask any questions. But if anyone _does_ take one and has any feedback, they can let me know. If they want." He put the box down on the coffee table and started to back away, but Clint was already halfway across the floor and had started rooting around in there before Tony managed to make his retreat.

"Wait, we do dildos now?" he said. "How come they're all Iron Man ones?"

"Ummm," said Tony.

"Tony," Natasha said, "explain."

"We don't do dildos now. First of all, those are vibrators, and second of all, they are in no way officially licensed Avengers merchandise."

"If they're unofficial, why have they been sent to you for approval?" asked Natasha. Steve was glad she was asking all the questions, because he was having trouble forming words.

"I mean, why does anyone do anything?" Tony posited, tone bordering on hysteria.

"Good question," said Clint, brandishing one of the red-and-gold vibrators. "For instance, why did you just wander into the living room holding a box of unexplained sex toys you refuse to talk about?"

"All right, fine," said Tony, with an air of defeat. "Well, you know how that frost giant threw me through the wall of an adult novelties store a few weeks ago?" They all nodded. "I saw them then, and I decided to go back and buy one when the place re-opened. Because their profits must have taken a hit while they were repairing, and I felt partially responsible! It seemed like the least I could do to support a struggling small business! And, y'know, for fun. So then I tried it —"

"We just lost Cap," Natasha said under her breath. Steve might have responded, but his tongue was stuck to the roof of his mouth.

"— and it was _pathetic_! I really couldn't have people associating Iron Man with the weaksauce orgasms these things were giving out. So, of course —"

"— you sent a cease-and-desist letter, like any sane person would do?" Natasha asked, clearly under no illusions that her suggestion was right.

"I contacted the company that made them and said that I wouldn't give them any hassle as long as they let me redesign them so they were a little more representative of the Iron Man brand."

"You're not a brand, Tony," said Sam. "And you didn't tell me you were working on this! I would have helped!"

"Yeah, well, no offense, Sam, I know you're technically a legal adult, but in my head you're like twelve. Bringing you in on Project Good Vibrations did not sit right."

Sam rolled his eyes. "Yeah, you've made it pretty clear you don't want me involved in anything related to you and orgasms."

"What?" said Steve.

"You back with us, Cap?" Natasha asked, a wicked glint in her eyes.

Steve turned to her urgently, and hissed " _what_ did he just — "

Tony cut across him. "It wasn't a whole big thing, okay? I'd half-forgotten I'd even done it until these arrived. Let's all just... calm down about the dildos."

"Vibrators," Clint corrected him.

"Well, I'm taking one," said Sam, walking over and plucking the vibrator out of Clint's hand. "Since it seems like it's the closest I'm gonna get."

Clint snatched it back and handed him another one from the box. "This one's mine!" he said, cradling it protectively against his chest.

Natasha snorted, and Steve shook her folded arm. "What does Sam keep —"

"I don't want to know!" Tony directed loudly at Clint. "Just... do whatever. I will accept feedback anonymously through JARVIS. I'm leaving now."

Sam and Clint rejoined the table, setting their boxed vibrators down next to their respective plates. Steve looked from one to the other, and then back at Natasha.

"What's the thing with —"

"Have some more dahl, why don't you?" she said, patting his knee. "What's on your plate will be cold by now. We can talk about it later."

~

Steve stared at his bedroom ceiling, thinking over what Natasha had said. Well, she'd said a few things, one of which was "some people actually go after what they want rather than mooning around hoping it will happen to them, Steve," and another of which was "just take one for God's sake".

Regarding the first, he wasn't _mooning around_ , he was just being _cautious_. They'd not long put the team back together, after all, and things still felt a little tense at times. He'd known on some abstract level, of course, that there were all sorts of people vying for Tony's attention, but _Sam_? That made it seem a lot more real. And Tony kept turning him down. Because he was too young? Because he was a teammate? Because he was a man? Steve hoped desperately for the first, although he himself was younger than Tony. Not by quite so much, though, and people were always telling him he seemed older — the weight of history, and of command, and all the gravitas that came with the Captain America mantle, he supposed. But perhaps it was none of those things; perhaps Tony had his eye on somebody. Perhaps he didn't and he just wasn't attracted to Sam, and he wouldn't be attracted to Steve either. It was useless speculating, really — the only way forward was to get his nerve up and talk to Tony about it. When the time was right. Not just yet.

And as for the second... when Natasha had gestured to the box, he had gone pink and shook his head. Of course he wanted one, but he wasn't just going to pick it up in front of her. It was one thing her suspecting, but her _knowing_ was another. He'd half thought he might go back later and take one when nobody was around, but then he'd talked himself out of it. It was a little pathetic, wasn't it? And now... well, by now Tony had probably taken the box away again. He could... he _could_ go and check, just in case. It would be like Tony to lose track of time and forget about it.

His hand twitched, almost pushed the quilt down off of his body so that he could get up, but then it stilled. He stared at the bedroom ceiling some more, seeing patterns that weren't there in the darkness. There was a soft knock on his door.

He got up cautiously and opened it — nobody there, but a slim red and gold box on the floor, with a post-it in Natasha's handwriting: "You're welcome x".

**Author's Note:**

> Ugh, I can't believe I noped out before the porn, AGAIN. Look I miscalculated with my card and I had to change my plans and I got really bogged down in the details of what design this imaginary vibrator would make sense to have and in the end I realised that I just wasn't going to have time to figure it out and I'm sorry! I hope this still counts for the prompt at least. Also the tagging system seems to be all messed up for me? IDK, you guys
> 
> HAVING SAID ALL THAT I would like to come back to this and finish it properly at some point, if that helps at all. And also I have an idea for a possible sequel. I hope you can forgive me for being lame.


End file.
